


Lunch with Steven

by WingSongHalo



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Perryshmirtz Week, Steven the Platypus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27125000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingSongHalo/pseuds/WingSongHalo
Summary: Doofenshmirtz never thought he'd be seeing his buddy Steven from the botanical garden again. Perry didn't think he would either. Either way, friendships come in many shapes.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz & Perry the Platypus, Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Comments: 64
Kudos: 75
Collections: Perryshmirtz Week 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!!
> 
> I started writing this back in like, 2014 I think? Whew. Anyway, I saw a post about Perrysmirtz Week a couple months ago and I thought, "Hey, didn't I have a fic I never finished?"
> 
> So I'm going to attempt to finish it. Hopefully you can't tell which parts were written 6 years ago and which were written only a month ago, LOL.
> 
> Happy Perryshmirtz Week!

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz had seen his platypus friend Steven exactly once since the time he'd met him during the whole debacle with that fake Australian guy, Whatshisname, who named all his boomerangs (what the heck was that about?).

He had just been walking down the street on the way back from the Buttons and Switches Emporium, thinking about stopping for lunch, when he spotted the little teal creature. He could tell it was Steven because the platypus was standing on his hind legs (Perry did that too). He looked like he was searching for something, and the scientist had to do a double take to make sure he was not just another apparently-bipedal platypus, but no, he was fairly certain that was his buddy Steven, so he waved to him from across the street and called out "Steven! Hey, I didn't think I'd be seeing _you_ again!"

The platypus jumped and whirled around, and then gave him a funny look that was half recognition and half panic. The doctor was somewhat confused by this reaction, but he did not want Steven to feel anxious, so he said, "It's me, Doof, remember, from the time we totally humiliated Boomerang Guy at the botanical garden?" Steven nodded somewhat nervously, darting his eyes around.

"Are you looking for something?" Heinz asked after he crossed the street to talk to him better. Steven looked slightly alarmed, and did not react for a minute, but then shook his head. "Oh," Heinz said. "Well then, if you're not busy, whaddya say we have lunch? I was just on my way to my favorite café!" The platypus blinked at him in surprise. "I know, I know, I don't look like much of a café guy, but it's really good, you'll see." He smiled entreatingly at his small teal acquaintance. Steven looked at the ground a minute, frowning with a kind of worried-looking expression, but then fidgeted with his little platypus paws and looked up at the doctor with a nod. Overjoyed, the scientist grabbed Steven's paw and dragged him along. It reminded him of walking with Perry, although Heinz supposed that was only to be expected, since Perry was the only other platypus he'd held hands with.

***

Steven seemed to enjoy the meal, but he looked kind of nervous and anxious the whole time. Twice Heinz caught him turning around to look at his wrist, like he was checking a little platypus-sized watch under his fur. "If you've got somewhere you need to be, I understand," he told his small friend. "It was good to see you again, though. Want to hang out some other time, maybe next week? It's a holiday, so I don't think my...uh..." he broke off unsurely. Was it bad form to mention another platypus to a platypus you were currently having lunch with? "...I think I'll have a break from work," he revised, deciding not to mention Perry. Mentioning Perry felt...wrong.

Steven got that worried expression again and fiddled with his paws on the table. He looked frustrated, torn. Or maybe the sandwich just hadn't agreed with him, who knew. Eventually, though, the platypus shrugged and nodded. The evil scientist grinned in response. "Great! Does this time next week work? That's my day off."

Steven gave him an endearing half-smile and nodded again, so Doof said, "I'll see you then, Steven! Don't let me keep you." His new friend scooted out of the booth, dropped to the floor, and began to leave, but then turned back to him. The platypus touched his little teal forehead, and then looked confused for a moment, crossing his eyes to look up at his head for a split second. An exasperated expression crossed his face, like someone who tries to put their hands in their pockets while wearing a leotard. Not that Heinz would know anything about wearing a leotard.

...Okay, he knew a little about wearing a leotard.

Anyway, Steven nodded to him seriously instead and padded off. "Bye, Steven!" the doctor called after him, and the platypus turned back and offered a hesitant wave in return. He was half-smiling again. It was an adorable expression that he had only seen on a platypus's face a select few times.

* * *

Perry was late for his lunch with Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Well, he supposed, “Steven” was late, really.

He still couldn’t believe that, a week ago, his nemesis had just _happened_ to be walking by _moments_ after the wind had blown off his hat, leaving Perry to search around for it like a fool. And then Heinz had _had_ to notice him from across the street, and _had_ to identify him—not as Perry, of course, but as "Steven." If he could recognize Steven out of context, why couldn't he recognize Perry? He supposed that would be giving the naive doctor too much credit.

Anyway, he wasn't quite sure how he'd managed to get roped into having lunch with his nemesis that day, except for the fact that Heinz was very persuasive when he was smiling so winningly and, well, he hadn’t been due to go thwart him for at least another hour, so what could be the harm in it, he’d figured?

As they’d sat there enjoying the food (and, he would admit, each other’s company), it had been easy to forget that Heinz was not really talking to _him._ He had been talking to his friend Steven: an ordinary, non-agent platypus (that walked on two legs and knew a lot of hand-to-hand combat and was good with gadgets _for some reason_. Heinz's powers of deduction were about on the level of the average dental patient on anesthesia). The doctor really was a pretty friendly guy when he wasn't trapping you in ridiculous themed cages and trying to take over the Tri-State Area.

For someone whose life largely revolved around his job (much like Perry himself), Heinz had strangely avoided the topic at their lunch. He’d chatted on and on about his daughter and his eccentric elderly neighbors and even what he was going to cook for dinner that night, but made no mention of evil or schemes or (particularly) platypus nemeses. Perry had tried not to be too offended by this. Despite the fact that Perry (Steven) didn't talk, Heinz had still asked him questions. "I wonder where you're from?" he'd asked, and then a moment later, "Oh, of course, I met you in the botanical garden so obviously you're from the Tri-State Area." Perry had taken the occasion to nod. "So, any family yourself?" he'd also asked, after talking about Vanessa for a full ten minutes. Perry had hesitated but then nodded again, and Heinz had reacted with delight, saying, "Ah, I had a feeling you were a family man, Steven! I bet your little ones are adorable!" Perry had just offered him a smile that probably looked more like a cringe.

When the hour was up (he'd been surreptitiously checking his watch—he was pretty sure Heinz hadn't seen him do this), the doctor seemed to notice his anxiousness and gave him the opportunity to excuse himself. Though he’d felt reluctant to depart, he’d also felt somewhat relieved. Thank goodness, he'd thought. Now things could go back to normal.

And then Heinz had _had_ to invite him for the next week.

And then, like a moron, he'd _had_ to accept.

What had he been thinking? Clark Kenting with his nemesis?! It was ludicrous and it was a situation that was 90% likely to lead to trouble (most things involving Heinz were 90% likely to lead to trouble, though). But the scientist had just sounded so _hopeful,_ and it had been surprisingly... _nice_ to spend time with him like this without the pressure. Usually when they interacted, it felt like their jobs were hanging over their heads, like any second a boxing ring bell would sound and they would have to resume beating each other up.

So before he knew it, he'd been nodding. What a fool he was. And then he'd tried to tip his hat to him before remembering that his hat was currently somewhere outside and he now had to go find it before thwarting the man currently asking him to lunch next week. What was his life?

Anyway, he was late today. He'd been about to take his jet, but one booster had backfired and now it would be unusable until the OWCA had it repaired. So he'd had to go on foot. He’d made it two blocks before remembering that he had to leave his hat behind, so he'd jogged back to the house and then had to sprint all the way to the café.

If that wasn't enough, it was raining.

When he arrived and managed to push open the door, which caused a bell to tinkle sweetly, he was out of breath, panting, exhausted, and pungent with the smell of wet platypus. Heinz was at the same booth they had sat in last time, and he did not look upset at all at his tardiness, merely looking up at the sound of the bell and then grinning when he caught sight of him. Perry trudged over to the booth, ignoring the disapproving glances some of the patrons sent him as he dripped all over the olive green-and-brown striped carpet.

"Wow, Steven, did you run all the way here?" his nemesis asked as Perry flung himself into the seat. Seeing no reason to lie, he nodded in response. "You didn't have to do that!" Heinz said. "I do appreciate you wanting to be punctual, though. You're a good guy."

He gave the doctor a weak thumbs-up as a waitress brought them the menu. He selected his favorite sandwich (tuna and provolone on white with pickles, lettuce, and tomato), pointing to it on the menu, and tried to catch his breath while Heinz ordered his own sandwich.

"So I'm guessing you don't drive," Doofenshmirtz said next, sipping from the coffee he'd had when Perry arrived. Well, actually, he’d driven a truck more than once, and had piloted many different kinds of aircraft, but Perry just gave him a _Do you really have to ask that question?_ look, and his nemesis smiled. "Heh, you remind me of someone when you make that face," he said. Perry had a feeling he knew who, and he couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face at the realization.

Their (mostly one-sided, but nevertheless engaging) conversation was friendly and casual. Vanessa had gotten her first speeding ticket. Heinz sounded more proud than upset about it. "That's Vanessa," he said indulgently. "My little rulebreaker." Perry smiled as he cut off the crusts of his sandwich. Heinz did mention work a few times, but every time he did, he sounded tired and almost discouraged. He wouldn’t meet "Steven's" eyes when he talked about his job.

"I mean, there's nothing I'd rather do," the man said after a thoughtful bite of sandwich, "but sometimes I wish it didn't have to overtake everything else. Sometimes I just want to be Doofenshmirtz, watcher of late-night talk shows, winner of three Best Doonkelberry Pie Baker Awards, and member of the PTA. Or whatever the high-school equivalent for the PTA is." Perry nodded understandingly. He knew just what he meant.

When it was time to leave, the platypus felt like he knew even more about his nemesis than he had before (and that was saying something, since he already knew a lot of things about Doofenshmirtz, some of which he wished he _didn’t_ know). He wished he was able to share more about himself in return, but the fact was that not even Perry knew anything about Steven, because Steven didn't exist.

He was musing on this as he opened the tinkling door and stared out at the rain, still pelting down in gray sheets. He wondered if it would be best to walk, since he was already wet, or run, so he could be out of the rain again faster. If he ran back, he might be in time to call Monogram to ask about the status of his jet before the Major left HQ for the day. If he walked back, he'd still be in time to see what the boys had made indoors on the rainy day. Or perhaps he should stay here and be Steven for a little longer?

It occurred to him that no matter what option he took, he was going from one fake persona to another.

They were all fake personas. There wasn’t much depth to Perry the pet platypus, Agent P was a mask of determination and cunning, and he didn't know a thing about "Steven."

"Steven!" said Heinz, jolting him out of his thoughts, and when he looked up, the doctor was approaching him. He held something out for Perry to take—a rolled-up umbrella. The platypus looked up at his nemesis questioningly and a little incredulously. "I can't let my little buddy go out in that rain again without an umbrella, can I?" the evil scientist said as Perry reached out and took the umbrella hesitantly. He looked up at Heinz again, and he must have looked pretty sappy, because the doctor waved a hand dismissively and said "Oh, don't mention it—you can just bring it back when we have lunch next week! Right?"  
  
And as the platypus smiled and nodded, he decided he did know _one_ thing about Steven, anyway: Steven had a good friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven speaks (not verbally).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Here I am with chapter 2! It's very short, though!

The next time they had lunch, Heinz was determined to ask Steven more questions. He was used to platypuses being mysterious, but the other platypus he knew was probably mysterious for the sake of maintaining his professional persona. Over the years, the scientist had discovered so much about his nemesis—his favorite color, which soaps he liked best, what he would choose if asked to pick between the beach and the mountains (it was the beach, by the way). But so much about him was still a mystery. Heinz still didn’t know where Perry lived, who his family was, what he planned to do when he was retired, or even how old he was. He understood _why_ these things were kept under wraps, but it still bugged him.

So he had decided that his relationship with Steven wouldn’t be like that. At their next lunch, he brought a small notepad for Steven to write out responses, because not all of the questions he wanted to ask could be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Steven looked confused when he pulled the notepad out of his pocket, but when the doctor asked “Can you write if I ask you some questions?” he nodded, so he figured the platypus was okay with it, though he did look a little nervous.

The first question Doofenshmirtz asked was so basic he almost felt foolish for asking it: “Is Steven your real name?” Despite the question’s simplicity, his platypus friend looked alarmed. He darted his eyes around briefly before simply shaking his head. Intrigued, Heinz then said, “Well, go ahead, write down what your real name is!”

Steven stared at the notepad for a few moments, nibbling the pencil’s eraser with his bill. Finally, he wrote something down. Heinz craned his neck to see what he’d written, because it was upside-down. “ _‘Not sure if I actually have one’_?!” the man read out indignantly. “Steven, that’s just about the saddest thing I’ve ever heard! And I’ve heard some really sad things, believe me,” he added. “How does a well-educated, literate, bipedal platypus like yourself go unnoticed and unnamed for so long? It’s a crime! And I know crime!” Oops. He probably shouldn’t have said that last part. Steven didn’t seem to focus on it, though, merely sinking down in his seat a bit and looking a little dejected.

“Hey, it’s all right, buddy,” the scientist soothed as the platypus sipped his glass of water. “Don’t worry about it. I bet a lot of people _wish_ they didn’t have a name. I know this one guy in particular…I mean, can you imagine being named _Francis?_ ” Steven abruptly went wide-eyed, spat out his water, and thumped his chest with a teal paw, coughing. “Whoa, are you okay?” Heinz asked, startled. The platypus nodded, wheezing.

When Steven’s breathing returned to normal, the questions resumed. “How old are you?” yielded the answer “ _‘5 or 6???’_ ” along with a shrug. Apparently birthdays were not very important to platypuses. “What do you do?” received the answer “ _Not much; I am a platypus_ ” (after a long pause, during which he removed the crusts of his tuna sandwich). To “What’s your favorite movie?”, Steven responded “ _When Harry Met Sally_ ” (“I _love_ that movie!” Heinz exclaimed); to “What’s your favorite _play?”_ the platypus answered “ _Much Ado About Nothing_ ” (“ _Shakespeare?”_ the doctor said incredulously. “You’re quite the cultured platypus, Steven!” His little friend looked bashful).

They continued on in this matter for the entire lunch. At first, Steven had seemed reluctant to answer any questions, even looking afraid when he pressed the pencil to the paper, sometimes drawing back from the notepad and fidgeting before finally deciding on an answer. But after a while, the answers seemed to come easier and the platypus seemed to open up. Heinz found that his friend was both witty (he’d answered “What superpower would you want?” with “ _I already have venomous barbs, electroreceptors, and an unlikely assortment of differing animal characteristics; what more do I need?_ ”) and contemplative (the question “What do you think you’re here to do, I mean, in a worldly sense?” had been answered with a thoughtful silence and then with “ _To incite change, where it is needed; persistence, where it is not_ ”). Some answers were predictable (“ _insects_ ” was his answer when asked for his favorite food); some were remarkably unexpected (when asked his favorite song, he’d smirked as if recalling a fond memory and written “ _Gitchee Gitchie Goo_ ”). Platypus or not, Steven was one of the most interesting individuals Heinz had ever met. He wished he could ask Perry these questions—he wondered if all platypuses were this cultured and intelligent, or if it was just the ones Heinz knew.

The hour flew by, and before he knew it, the scientist’s watch beeped to alert him that he had to be getting back to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated if he wanted to be on-time for his thwarting. “Aww, too bad,” he said, tapping a button on his watch to stop the alarm and putting away the notepad. “Well, hey, thanks for answering all those questions, Steven! You’re a really interesting guy.” The platypus rubbed the back of his neck, grinning bashfully. Doofenshmirtz stood. “I’d best be off,” he continued. “I have to get back home for….for uh…” He floundered mentally. “For a previous engagement,” he finished vaguely. He pushed in his chair.

“Same time next week?” the doctor asked, looking at Steven over his shoulder. The platypus nodded. Heinz couldn’t help but grin.

When Agent P showed up to thwart Doofenshmirtz later that day (today’s plot, a Hamster Wheel-inator, had been easily foiled by setting the hamsters free) and he invited the platypus to join him for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches afterwards, Perry felt a sense of déjà vu. What kind of person ate sandwiches for two meals a day, anyway? Regardless, though, he agreed to stay.

The meal was mostly quiet, and a little awkward. Heinz made an interested “hmm…” noise once, which made the platypus feel a bit edgy. He eyed his nemesis challengingly as he chewed his un-crusted sandwich, as if silently asking “ _What?_ ”

“Oh, nothing, Perry the Platypus,” the evil scientist said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I was just thinking that you and a friend of mine always remind me a lot of each other. Except my friend is _niiiicer_ to me,” he added resentfully.

The platypus rolled his eyes and gave him a “ _Wish I could say I’m sorry, but…_ ” shrug.

Heinz rested his chin in his hand, putting his elbow on the table. “You know, for a long time I thought you didn’t share much about yourself with me because you can’t talk and everything. But now I think it’s because you’re just a very mistrustful person, because I’ve met other…individuals…who can’t talk, but they communicate just fine.”

Perry paused mid-chew and gave his nemesis a scandalized look. What did he want _him_ to do about it? It wasn’t like he could suddenly start sharing everything with his sworn best frenemy. There was a line there, and besides, an OWCA agent always looked out for his host family and the Agency first. He spread his paws in an “ _It’s out of my hands_ ” gesture. The doctor nodded in understanding, but looked a little disappointed about it. Perry felt a small pang of regret in his chest. He ignored it, like he always did.

“I know you’re a very private kind of guy,” Doofenshmirtz conceded, “But I guess sometimes I feel like it’s a little unfair, you knowing all about my family and where I live and my hobbies and me knowing nothing about you. I mean, you know almost _all_ my backstories!” The platypus raised an eyebrow. Had it been up to Perry, he would have skipped some of those backstories if he could. “I know, I know,” Heinz said, interpreting Perry’s expression, “You never _asked_ for all that information.” Perry was amazed yet again at how well his nemesis was able to understand him. And yet he still made the most unnecessary, ridiculous contraptions on a daily basis. “Still, I guess I thought that maybe someday I’d learn those things about you, too,” the man continued. He gave the platypus a half-smile that looked more resigned than truly accepting. “But I get it. A job is a job.” Perry’s heart gave a dull throb of pain, and his brow knitted in an expression of sympathy. He was suddenly overcome with the desire to volunteer something personal, something meaningful, something that would convey the unique kind of trust and affection the two of them shared, as strange as their relationship was. “A job is a job,” Doofenshmirtz repeated thoughtfully. The platypus nodded sadly, feeling profoundly wistful.

“Which is why,” exclaimed the evil scientist suddenly, pulling a switch out from under the table and flipping it, “I’m working overtime!” Bonds sprang out from either side of Perry’s chair, strapping him in place and rendering him immobile. “Come _on,_ Perry the Platypus,” said Doofenshmirtz, waving a finger annoyingly in Agent P’s face, “did you honestly think the Hamster Wheel-inator was the _best_ I could _do?”_

Perry glared as the doctor cackled. So much for feeling wistful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come tomorrow! Thanks for reading~


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like abstract expressionism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!! This might be my favorite chapter?? Or maybe that would be chapter 5. Well, in any case, hope you enjoy it!

Doofenshmirtz was surprised how easy it was to be friends with a platypus. Well, platypuses, really, but his friendship with Perry had always been overshadowed by their jobs. His cordial, familiar relationship with Steven allowed him the connection he could never have with his nemesis, and his professional interaction with Perry was exemplary, not bogged down by his need for Perry’s company and companionship. It really wasn’t appropriate for them ever to have been so close, anyway. There was no reason for their professional relationship to be overcomplicated with something like friendship or affection.

It wasn’t until he almost called Steven “Perry” one day that he realized there might have been something wrong.

* * *

Perry was living even more of a double life than usual. A triple life, perhaps? Perry, Agent P, Steven; it was impossible to distinguish which he truly was. But at least this friendship was proving to be rewarding. Heinz’s behavior towards Steven became more and more friendly and familiar, and he found himself returning more and more of the doctor’s smiles and offering up his own opinions willingly on that notepad without having to be asked. Despite being certifiably mad and incredibly misguided, his nemesis was surprisingly insightful on some matters, and they shared a lot of the same tastes in movies and music. Perhaps this friendship was not such a bad idea after all. He could relate to another person without fear of compromising his professional integrity, and his nemesisship would remain undisturbed.

Sometimes he worried that the evil scientist would grow to like “Steven” more than Perry, but he ignored these worries. After all, it was not Agent P’s job to be liked by his nemesis. Or to be his friend, for that matter. No, he would keep this to himself. He could have his friendship with Heinz as Steven and still maintain a separate professional relationship as Agent P. There was no need for the two aspects to intersect.

It wasn’t until he found himself wanting to write down a response to Heinz’s monologue one day that he realized there might have been something wrong.

* * *

Heinz Doofenshmirtz was feeling torn.

On the one hand, he enjoyed his friendship with Steven. Steven was a funny, smart, and interesting guy. His interactions with Steven were engaging and oftentimes intellectually stimulating. He was also a polite little platypus, offering to cover the bill (“bill”…ha! Platypus jokes!) for both of them every other time, despite being (to the scientist’s knowledge) an unemployed animal. Steven seemed to enjoy Heinz’s company as well, since he kept meeting him for lunch and all, even though he _did_ tend to roll his eyes and sigh a lot whenever the doctor said something exasperating (which was often). Were all platypuses quite so snarky?

But on the other hand…

On the other hand, Heinz felt guilty. Every new tidbit that he learned about Steven, he found himself filing away mentally for future reference…with Perry. He wanted to know all the answers _Perry_ would give to his questions for Steven. He wondered if _Perry_ had the same outlook and opinions as Steven, or if Perry enjoyed the same movies and books as Heinz’s friend did. He found himself wanting the camaraderie and familiarity he had with Steven to spill over into his relationship with his nemesis. He spent so much time thinking about Perry during his lunches with Steven that sometimes it was hard to separate the two in his mind. It was on one of the many subsequent occasions that Heinz nearly called Steven “Perry” that he realized: No matter how close he and Steven became, the other platypus would never be Perry. He stared at the table, feeling suddenly quite ashamed of himself.

His platypus friend, curious about Heinz’s sudden silence, scrawled “ _What’s wrong?_ ” on the notepad, and the doctor found he couldn’t stay quiet about his nemesis anymore.

“I have this…” He cast around mentally for the right word. “Friend,” he decided. He swallowed. If he was going to talk frankly about his feelings regarding Perry, he might as well be specific. “He’s…suave, and cool—I mean, this guy has the spunk and determination of a hundred men all crammed into one adorable, portable package—and he’s also really skilled with a grappling hook, I mean _really_ skilled…” He trailed off as he regarded Steven’s confused face. Perhaps he should have kept the grappling hook thing to himself.

“Anyway, I’ve known him for years, and he’s one of the most important parts of my life, but sometimes I feel like I don’t truly know him at all. Every time I find something out about him, it’s a huge surprise. Like, just the other day, I found out he prefers the crusts cut off of his sandwiches. Kinda like you do!” he added, pointing to the lonely-looking crusts on Steven’s plate. The platypus looked down at the crusts and back up at Heinz with a slightly panicked expression (how strange), seized the crusts, and stuffed them suddenly in his bill. “Oh, I guess you do eat crusts?” the scientist asked. Steven nodded with a pained-looking smile, and then grabbed his water glass and downed the whole cup. He rolled his paw in a “go on” gesture after he’d finished.

“Well…” Doofenshmirtz paused, trying to find his train of thought again. “You’d think after knowing a guy for so long, you’d start to put together the puzzle pieces and eventually have a full picture. But every time I learn something new about Perry, it’s like it’s a piece to a completely different puzzle. I’ve got all these mismatched pieces and I have no idea what kind of picture I’m trying to put together. I just know that it’s probably a much better picture than mine.” He didn’t even realize that he’d used Perry’s name until he was finished speaking. He felt a brief flash of dread, but squashed it down. It wasn’t like Perry was an extremely uncommon name or anything. He looked up from the table to gauge his friend’s reaction, a little nervous at having suddenly dropped something so emotional and sentimental on his companion, and was a bit startled to see that Steven looked near tears. He was usually quite understated, but maybe he was a softie underneath his cool demeanor, like Perry was? Was that another platypus thing?

“You ever feel like that, Steven?” he asked, in an attempt to encourage a response. Steven nodded vigorously, making a sniffling noise. He scrawled something on the notepad and then held it out to the doctor.

“ _Maybe he doesn’t know what his own picture looks like either. That’s why you need each other to fill in the blanks,”_ it read.

Doofenshmirtz stared at the heartfelt words for a moment. He lowered the notepad. “Steven…” he murmured, meeting his friend’s eyes, which were bright with intensity. “That’s _really_ cheesy. Like, oh, _wow,_ cornball alert.” Steven’s face underwent a rapid series of emotions: confusion, surprise, hurt, shame, and outrage. Heinz laughed as the platypus snatched back the notepad violently, glaring at him. “What? Awww, don’t be like that, Steven,” he said as his friend ripped the notebook page out and crumpled it into a ball. “It was good, it was good!” the scientist soothed, but the way he was still holding back giggles did not make the statement very convincing.

Steven was a little frosty with him for a while after that, but by the end of their lunch, it was clear that there were no hard feelings. His little teal friend even covered the check this time. He waved the platypus off as he left to go do whatever platypuses do, and Steven had given him a friendly nod and a promise to meet again next week. He pattered off down the sidewalk, Heinz watching his retreating form fondly.

When the platypus was out of sight, Heinz stood, ready to return to DEI once more. He started to slide out of his booth, but did a double take as he noticed something on the floor opposite him, under where Steven had been sitting. He retrieved the object.

It looked like a miniature wallet, tiny and square and brown. Was it Steven’s? Or had someone else left it here? Maybe a very rich child? Examining it, he contemplated turning it in without looking inside first, but quickly decided that that wouldn’t be very evil of him. Making up his mind, he opened the wallet.

There was a picture of a wall-eyed pet platypus sleeping under a tree. “A platypus,” Heinz observed. Then he turned the wallet sideways, and several very familiar photos tumbled down, accordion-style. The doctor gasped. “ _Perry_ the Platypus?!” he breathed. His eyes scanned over the photographs of his nemesis and himself. What was Perry’s wallet doing here?...

* * *

Perry’s heart was still hammering a little. The intensity, the longing, the raw _emotion_ in Heinz’s voice when he’d talked about his nemesis had left Perry feeling like the air had been punched out of him (and he knew quite well what that sensation felt like).

The doctor had been so impersonal, so professional during the past few weeks at their job. He never invited Perry to have dinner or planned events with him anymore. He didn’t say much about Vanessa or Charlene or Roger or his parents (unless they were relevant to the day’s backstory). The secret agent had been torn between relief that their working relationship had become simpler, and heartbreak that Heinz seemed to no longer have any desire to be anything more than a nemesis to Perry. He’d thought all of the scientist’s feelings of warmth and affection for Perry had been transferred completely over to Steven. Which was for the best, really. They were professionals. And it wasn’t even as if he was losing any of that companionship with Heinz, because he was _also_ Steven. He was reaping the rewards of both a close personal connection _and_ a distraction-free working relationship. Steven was Heinz’s friend; Agent P was Doofenshmirtz’s nemesis. That was the way it should be, logically.

But illogically, this had broken Perry’s heart even further.

Had Heinz really given up on him? Didn’t everything they’d been through together mean anything? Was he really willing to just…throw in the towel and replace him with some other platypus (even if the other platypus was also him)? Perry vacillated between fierce determination to tell his nemesis the truth about his alter ego, crushing fear that everything would collapse and he would be left with nothing, and an overpowering longing for things to just be the way they had been, complicated, ridiculous, beautiful frienemesisship and all.

But then, the evil scientist had completely floored him.

He’d noticed Heinz looking contemplative and melancholy, and asked him what was wrong, and the doctor had surprised him by suddenly talking about him, Perry. Of course, Doofenshmirtz never mentioned Perry by name; references to his nemesis were usually classified under “a friend from work” or “this guy I know”. But this time seemed a bit different. This was no casual reference.

“He’s…suave, and cool,” Heinz had begun, speaking slowly, choosing his words. The next part came out in a bit of a rush: “I mean, this guy has the spunk and determination of a hundred men all crammed into one adorable, portable package.” Perry barely resisted rolling his eyes as the man continued, “And he’s also really skilled with a grappling hook, I mean _really_ skilled…” The platypus blinked. Was his skill with the grappling hook really so notable that it occupied the third slot in a list of his attributes?

The evil scientist glanced up at Perry’s surprised expression before continuing awkwardly, “Anyway, I’ve known him for years, and he’s one of the most important parts of my life,”—Perry felt himself flush under his fur—“but sometimes I feel like I don’t truly know him at all.” _You and me both,_ Perry thought to himself. “Every time I find something out about him, it’s a huge surprise. Like, just the other day, I found out he prefers the crusts cut off of his sandwiches. Kinda like you do!”

Perry glanced down at his uneaten sandwich crusts. Drat! He hadn’t realized his nemesis would notice something like that. Without a moment’s hesitation he crammed the pieces of bread in his mouth. He choked them down, ignoring the unfamiliar taste. The doctor looked baffled by his behavior. “Oh, I guess you do eat crusts?” he asked. The platypus nodded and offered him a winning smile to assure him that everything was all right. The crusts stuck in his throat, and he glugged his water to wash them down. Hopefully none of this was coming across as suspicious. He gestured for his friend to keep talking.

“Well…” Doofenshmirtz continued, “You’d think after knowing a guy for so long, you’d start to put together the puzzle pieces and eventually have a full picture.” Perry blinked. He’d never thought of it like that. It was a surprisingly apt metaphor. “But every time I learn something new about Perry,”—the platypus nearly jumped at hearing his name so suddenly—“it’s like it’s a piece to a completely different puzzle.” Perry felt his heart sink with grim understanding. He felt exactly the same way about himself. He hadn’t known that his own identity problems were affecting and worrying his nemesis this way, and a flicker of guilt sparked through him. “I’ve got all these mismatched pieces,” Heinz continued, “and I have no idea what kind of picture I’m trying to put together. I just know that it’s probably a much better picture than mine.”

Perry’s vision briefly blurred at this last statement. Even when he was complaining about the secret agent, the evil scientist always spoke so admiringly of Perry and considered the platypus to be much better than himself. He wanted to tell his nemesis that it wasn’t true. Perry’s picture would always be confusing and incomplete and flawed, but Heinz’s experiences were so varied and colorful and—okay, he’d admit it— _interesting._ Heinz made the kind of picture that was both frustrating and captivating to behold, like abstract expressionism. Paint flung at a canvas, chaotic and unconventional and beautiful in its own way.

“You ever feel like that, Steven?” the doctor prompted then, and his friend nodded, trying to get ahold of himself. A million things raced through his head in response, and it felt like he couldn’t say any of them without giving too much away. He settled for something cryptic, but earnest and heartfelt. _“Maybe he doesn’t know what his own picture looks like either. That’s why you need each other to fill in the blanks,”_ he wrote, and handed it to the man sitting across from him.

Heinz contemplated his words for a long moment. Perry watched his face intently, willing him silently to understand what he meant and to appreciate the sentiment behind it.

“Steven,” his friend said softly, putting down the notepad. Perry leaned forward slightly, anticipating something he couldn’t predict: a quiet admission that perhaps Perry was right, a thoughtful expounding of Perry’s words, a statement of appreciation for the platypus’s wisdom. “That’s _really_ cheesy,” Heinz finally said. “Like, oh, _wow,_ cornball alert.”

The spell was broken with an abruptness of a bubble being pricked. A hot wave of embarrassment and indignation washed over the platypus. How dare this moronic cheesehead laugh at him?! As if what _he_ had said was much better than what Perry had said! He was sorry he even considered the idea that Heinz might understand emotions so complex. He yanked the notepad back and tore out the now maudlin-seeming words, despite his “friend”’s protests and continued laughter. The platypus crushed the paper into a ball, imagining it was his nemesis’s stupid insensitive head.

Despite this egregious faux pas, the rest of lunch went on fairly without incident. As much as he wanted to, Perry found he could never stay angry at Heinz for very long. The doctor didn’t bring up the picture analogy again, but he did keep talking about Perry. The platypus covered the cost of the meal, and, after checking his watch under the table, indicated to Heinz that he had to go. The evil scientist waved him off, they promised to meet again next week, and the platypus hurried away to transform from Steven into Agent P.

It occurred to him, as he ran down the sidewalk, that Steven was a much better friend than Agent P.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love y'all!! See you soon with more <333


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conclusion is reached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST FINISHED WRITING SOME OF THIS SO PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF IT'S NOT UP TO MY USUAL STANDARDS LSKJDKF

The next time they had lunch, it was raining again. But this time was a little different.

Perry rushed into the shelter of the café as quickly as he could, shaking from more than just the cold rain trickling through his fur. He patted his side to make sure he had his wallet—he’d lost it sometime last week and someone had had to turn it in to OWCA’s address on the card inside. He was getting careless. Feeling the wallet there, and feeling safe inside the café, he heaved a deep sigh of relief and walked over to their booth, where Doofenshmirtz was waiting. His nemesis took one look at him before double-taking and saying, “Whoa, Steven, you look awful!”

The platypus stood there dripping steadily and glaring. _Thanks._ He took a seat.

“Did something happen?” the evil scientist inquired.

Perry rolled his eyes and scrawled out a sarcastic _“Yes, I got wet.”_ Droplets of water dampened the lined paper.

His friend shook his head. “No, I mean, did something happen TO you? You look…shaken.”

The platypus blinked, surprised. Just when he thought his nemesis was completely oblivious, he would suddenly be perceptive out of nowhere.

It was annoying.

Perry crossed his arms, reluctant to say anything more, and Doofenshmirtz spread his hands in surrender. “All right, you don’t have to tell me,” he singsonged, “but you would probably feel better if you did.”

“ _I would feel better,”_ Perry wrote petulantly, _“if you would hand me that menu and stop talking.”_

“Sheesh, all right. Touchy,” Heinz grumbled, passing the menu to the platypus.

For a few minutes, it seemed like the matter was closed. The evil doctor began talking about something that had happened to him yesterday while waiting in line at a department store, and Perry was watching the sky outside challengingly. Heinz was just getting to the supposed “good part” of his story (“So then, the Pajamas Kid starts _screeeaming,_ and I’m thinking, wow, rude, right? So I grabbed the spritz bottle I had on me to fight the summer heat, and—”) when the weather ruined everything.

A lightning flash lit up the entire café. What followed was a tremendous rumbling boom, like the one Phineas and Ferb’s massive bowling ball had made in their gigantic bowling alley, and the ordinarily unflappable and stoic platypus jumped a foot in the air and made a strangled sound halfway between a mouse being stepped on and the typical gurgling platypus chatter.

A short silence followed. Perry cleared his throat, trying to hide the fact that he was shaking, and straightened. He stared determinedly at the menu, pretending nothing had happened, heart racing from both embarrassment and the residual effects of being severely startled. When there was no laughter from his companion, he hazarded a glance up. Heinz wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t even holding back laughter. Instead, he was looking at Perry with mild surprise. The platypus flipped the menu closed and rested his hands on the table, glaring at the scientist as if daring him to say something. But he didn’t. The waitress brought the man his sandwich and he chewed it in silence for a moment.

“I’m afraid of the high-dive at the pool,” he finally said. The platypus met his eyes briefly, and when he saw compassion there instead of judgment, Perry let himself smile a little.

* * *

Doofenshmirtz had started asking Steven to go with him to events: a Tri-State Area music festival, a grand-opening at a new restaurant, even just a walk in the park, once. He hardly ever asked Perry to go anymore. Perry was a very busy secret agent, after all, while Steven had no prior obligations, it seemed. Steven was always willing to accompany him, but as time went on, he caught the platypus looking sad when he thought Heinz wasn’t looking.

The whole situation was mucked up. If the thing that Heinz suspected was true, he had no idea where to go from here. He could wait it out, but that might just invite further misunderstandings and confusion. So he decided to do what he did best: take uninformed and questionable action!

The following few weeks, he performed a series of experiments (scientists loved their experiments). He was used to experiments resulting in improbably large explosions and devastating failure, but these were experiments of a somewhat different nature.

At the music festival, he took the opportunity to find out about Steven’s taste in music. It turned out the platypus was fond of the works of Strauss and Debussy (Heinz was more of a Beethoven man himself). At the restaurant, he discovered that Steven tended to automatically sit down on the right side of the table. And at the park, he was surprised to find that his little friend was ticklish on a spot behind his left shoulder (he’d been trying to get a bit of lingering spaghetti noodle off the platypus’s back).

(...It was a long story.)

Anyway, the point was, this platypus sure had a _lot_ in common with another platypus Heinz knew. Did all platypuses have similar tastes?… No, surely not; he couldn’t assume something species-ist like that!

But all the same, perhaps he could use what he had learned about _this_ platypus to improve his relationship with the _other_ platypus. They seemed to be of similar levels of intelligence and sophistication, after all.

(And if he happened to discover that it was actually the _same_ platypus, like he had begun to suspect, well… he wasn’t sure what he would do with that information, but it would be _something._ )

(He just hoped it wasn’t something that would leave him with zero platypuses in his life.)

***  
  


About three weeks into his little “experiments,” he discovered evidence to support his hypothesis.

Steven had nearly jumped out of his fur when there had been a thunderstorm that one time at the café. Perry, on the other hand, was fearless, or so his business card claimed. Surely these two drastically different responses could not come from the same platypus?

So why was it that when there had been a storm during one of their most recent battles, he’d seen Perry’s eyes flicker out the window briefly before his expression smoothed out into its usual impassive professionalism? Why had he blinked harder than usual when lightning lit up the room and thunder crashed in after, almost like he was flinching? Had he always had this reaction, and Heinz had just never noticed?

It wouldn’t be terribly surprising. As much as he would have loved to claim otherwise, Heinz Doofenshmirtz was not the most observant person. This, among other things, was why his stint as a security camera guard had only lasted 3 days (but really, how was he supposed to see those guys come in? They were wearing black, the floor of the mall was gray… they blended right in!).

Anyway, he’d called a time-out on their fight. “I can’t concentrate on this with all that thunder, Perry the Platypus,” he’d said. A well-timed flash and _booooom_ emphasized his point. “What do you say we call this one off due to inclement weather? I’ll take a rain check. Ha! A rain check! Is that why it’s called that?”

The secret agent’s only response was to look at him with a baffled expression, his little fists still half-raised in a fighting stance. After a moment, he darted his eyes over nervously to Heinz’s invention for today: A Quick Draw-inator (he’d show those park caricature artists to make a mockery of _his_ face! He’d draw unflattering pictures of everybody in the Tri-State Area! _Then_ who would be embarrassed in front of a group of particularly mean and opinionated children on skateboards?! _Everybody!!_ ).

“No, it’s all right, I’m not just saying this so you’ll leave and I can move forward with my evil plan,” the doctor reassured him, waving his hands around dismissively. Perry raised an eyebrow doubtfully. “I swear!” he insisted. “Look, I’ll just—” He pressed the big red self-destruct button, and the huge metal-and-graphite contraption burst into thick gray clouds of smog and a few pieces of falling shrapnel which Heinz managed to avoid being crushed by. Coughing, he dusted off his lab coat, and threw his nemesis a winning smile. “See? No big deal. I can make it again next time,” he choked out.

Perry still didn’t look entirely convinced, but when more thunder rumbled and made the windows shake, his eyes widened and he gave a reluctant nod. He tipped his hat to Heinz, and then made as if to press the button on his watch that would activate his glider.

“Ah, Perry the Platypus, wait,” Doofenshmirtz called, making the platypus pause. “You...” A glance out at the slate-colored sky. “You shouldn’t fly in that. Why don’t you stay here until the storm passes? We could watch some soaps, or something?”

The look that lit up Perry’s face was surprised, his brows shooting up and his mouth dropping open, but Heinz thought he saw a little relief flash across it, too. He acquiesced with another nod, this one more enthusiastic than the last.

As he watched Perry automatically take the right side of the sofa and methodically eat around the crusts of his peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich, Heinz could only sit 3 feet away, confident at last that he had the answer to this puzzle. As a scientist, he should be thrilled. His experiments had been successful. His hypothesis had been more or less confirmed.

But he wasn’t certain whether this confirmation could really be classified as a success, when it still felt like losing something.

* * *

Steven the Platypus, who was actually Perry the Platypus, had decided that this had to stop.

He’d been getting careless. The crusts thing, losing his wallet, trying to tip his hat when it wasn’t on his head… he was trying to be three different platypuses, and he wasn’t even entirely sure how to be _one._ Though Heinz kept asking Steven personal questions, he had stopped asking any of Perry, which stung, even if Perry’s response to personal questions was usually a kick in the face. The doctor had consistently invited Steven to activities the last 3 weeks, while the only time Perry spent with his nemesis when he wasn’t kicking his butt had been the single occasion they had watched soap operas while he waited for a particularly nasty storm to pass.

For goodness sake, he’d even let himself get a little nervous about thunderstorms. Agent P feared _nothing._ Cowering away from thunder was something for house pets and average citizens, not secret agents. Usually, once Perry put on his hat, he could approach everything with cool logic. He could shove his uncertainty and fear to the back of his mind, and deal with whatever was standing in his path.

And yet he now felt so comfortable around this infuriating man that he had let himself start acting like an average citizen.

But… underneath his OWCA fedora, behind his badge… that’s all he really was, wasn’t he? Just… an ordinary individual? When had he _ever_ gotten to be one of those? Perry didn’t think there ever _had_ been a time.

Even though this whole friendship he had (with the man who was supposed to be his nemesis) was built on a lie, it was still the most honest relationship he’d ever had.

But the thing about being a secret agent was that it was a secret. Honesty and secrets did not go hand-in-hand. If he wanted to keep being Agent P and the beloved pet of the Flynn-Fletcher family, he would have to stop being this normal platypus who hung out with his friend and offered up opinions whenever he was asked.

Though it pained him to give up the chance to be truly himself, his first duty was not to himself. It was to protecting people who _did_ get to be themselves. That was his lot in life, and Perry fully accepted it.

So by the time they had finished a leisurely, meandering, mundane walk through the park, his heart growing heavier and heavier with every moment as his friend (his _friend;_ had he ever _truly_ had a friend before?) chattered away at his side, Perry had made up his mind: this would be the last time Heinz Doofenshmirtz ever saw Steven the Platypus.

“Well, I guess this is where we part ways,” Heinz’s cheerful voice said with a bright smile. Perry forced an equivalent smile onto his face and gave the man a nod. “You’ll get home all right from here?” Another nod. “All right,” said the doctor as Steven finally turned to walk out of Heinz’s life.

“See you later, Perry the Platypus.”

Perry’s heart dropped into his stomach, and a wave of dread as frosty as a S’Winter day swallowed him whole. Slowly, he turned to look up into the face of his nemesis, hoping to see him looking embarrassed for calling Steven another platypus’s name. Hoping that perhaps the man would appear distracted and absentminded, having only used Perry’s name out of habit. Hoping he could play this off as a funny little faux pas.

It was hopeless. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was looking down at him expectantly, his arms crossed, his eyebrows raised. He knew perfectly well what he had said, and he was gauging Perry’s reaction to it.

But as Perry had reacted with shock and dismay rather than confusion or indifference, the platypus had already failed.

His cover, as OWCA would say, was blown.

“Hey, _hey, wait,_ you can’t just _run away!_ ” Doofenshmirtz protested when Perry began to exercise his skill in making swift exits. Lunging for him, the evil scientist grabbed the platypus by the tail. Perry responded to this by flailing wildly and kicking him in the face several times, being mindful of his poisonous ankle barbs and sending Doofenshmirtz crumpling to his knees. Even still, he didn’t let go of Perry. “Okay, _ow,_ now I remember why I always trap you— _ow, cut it out,_ ” he continued when the kicking continued, seizing Perry’s leg now as well, _“why do your cute little platypus feet hurt so much?!”_ He placed a hand over his battered nose, making his following words slightly nasal. “Listen, I just want to talk, all right?!”

Realizing he couldn’t get free without causing serious injury or drawing even more attention than they already were—There was a couple over here, a little girl over there, they were whispering, they were _pointing_ — Perry relented, shaking the scientist’s hand off his leg and dusting his front off. He thrust a paw out towards Heinz. _Okay then. Talk,_ he said with this gesture, as the man got to his feet again as well.

Doofenshmirtz looked as though all the words he’d been planning had fallen out of his head, shuffling his feet and tapping his fingertips together fretfully as he cast his eyes about. “When… when I first realized you were Steven, I felt really betrayed, Perry the Platypus. I mean, you already make a _dummkopf_ of me on a daily basis, and then you had to do it with another name, too?” Perry slumped guiltily, his heart heavy. The asphalt seemed easier to look at right now, so he dropped his eyes down to it. “But… the more time I spent with Steven, the more I understood: you never let me get to know Perry the Platypus, because you’re such a _career man_ and you’d never do anything to jeopardize your job.” Well, he couldn’t refute that. “This whole time, I thought you were just emotionally distant and secretive, and didn’t want to share anything with me. But you didn’t really _want_ to be distant, did you?” The platypus looked up, amazed, and shook his head. “You let me get to know you the only way you could: by using another name,” Heinz finished. He quirked one eyebrow. “Am I right?”

Perry nodded sadly. Ashamed, he pulled out his fedora and placed it on his head. He spread his paws, as if to say, _Well, here I am. The tealest, most semi-aquatic disappointment._

“Here,” the evil scientist said, digging in the pocket of his labcoat before shoving the trusty old notepad and pencil into his chest. “This isn’t a one-sided conversation.”

Shooting him a quick grateful glance, Perry wrote out: _I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you… at least not without cartoonish physical violence._ He held the note out for the man to read.

“Oh please, Perry the Platypus,” said Doofenshmirtz, waving a hand around dismissively. “I’ve suffered more emotional pain and betrayal than Monique on our favorite soap opera. I _did_ feel betrayed when I found out about you, but I got over it, because I’m not the grudge-holding type.” He sounded very pleased with himself about this, so Perry kindly did _not_ point out that it was a load of bull and that Heinz was very much a person driven by petty grudges, some of them misplaced and decades-old.

Instead, he wrote: _That doesn’t make what I did right. I am supposed to do the right thing._ He tapped the words with his pencil emphatically, fixing a pained expression on his nemesis.

“‘The right thing’? _Boooorrinnngg,_ ” Heinz singsonged. Perry glared at him. “All right, calm down, I’m just pulling your leg.” A pause. “Well, I was _literally_ pulling your leg before, but now I am doing it figuratively.” Waving his hands about as if to disperse the distraction manually, he continued: “Anyway, Perry the Platypus, what I really wanted to know is: Is there any way we can keep both our professional relationship and uh, this… this…” He trailed off, and gestured between the two of them.

Perry rolled his eyes. _Friendship, Heinz,_ he wrote down. _The word you are looking for is_ _ friendship. _

“Right, that!” Doofenshmirtz exclaimed, pointing to the word like he’d forgotten it existed, and then bringing a thoughtful hand to his chin. “Hmm… It’s kind of strange seeing you call me by my first name like that…” Oops. He’d done it without thinking. He shrugged, giving the man an apologetic smile. “No, it’s all right, I don’t hate it. Maybe I can drop the ‘the Platypus’ and just call you ‘Perry’?” he added hopefully.

Perry tapped the pencil against his bill contemplatively. _I’ll allow it. Provisionally,_ he jotted down.

“That’s what they said when they let me start driving again!” Heinz said excitedly, his face lighting up. The smile on his face was just a little sappy. “Aww, Perry the—I mean, Perry—does this mean we can still be friends?”

Even if they hadn’t been before, Perry would have had a devil of a time refusing that pleading tone. _I’ve been under the impression that we’ve been friends for quite a while now,_ he wrote, and then hesitated before adding: _I don’t know how OWCA will feel about this._

“Well, we don’t have to tell them everything, do we?” he coaxed. Perry glared at him sternly again, this time crossing his arms for good measure. “All right, Mr. Law-Abiding Monotreme, stop giving me the stink-eye.” Heinz Doofenshmirtz was too old to pout, but he made a valiant effort at it anyway. “Look, isn’t there some kind of—of paperwork?” he said then, tapping his temple as if it would jog his memory. “You know, those things people fill out when people in the office start a relationship or something?”

Perry’s eyes widened, and, after almost dropping his notepad, he hastily scribbled down: _I think that paperwork is to announce intention of a relationship in quite a different manner!_ Good grief. He was glad the burning in his cheeks wasn’t visible through his fur.

“Well, sure,” Heinz conceded, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly and clearing his throat (he had no fur to hide the blush on his face, Perry noted), “but fundamentally, shouldn’t it work the same? Formally assuring your employer that your association with the other person will not interfere with your job performance?”

The platypus pondered that. _You may have a point,_ he wrote, _which is somewhat disturbing in implication._

“Well there’s no need to be rude, Perry,” he groused, crossing his arms.

Perry just smiled at him, shrugging but not apologizing. _You actually want to fill out a piece of paper and declare our friendship to OWCA’s AR?_

“AR?” Heinz repeated, scratching his head.

 _Animal Resources,_ he clarified. Why would they have Human Resources?

“Ah,” the evil scientist nodded. The color in his cheeks was back. “If… if it would make you feel more comfortable, then… go ahead and do that, I suppose.” Putting a hand on his hip, he looked away in annoyance. “I don’t really want _Francis_ up in my business any more than he already is, though… I mean, you know they go through my _trash,_ right, Perry? And my internet history?! I—I don’t even know how they _get_ that, but it is _very_ invasive!”

The platypus cringed. He was aware that information like that was frequently provided to him to assist in his missions, but he had always tried not to think about how it felt from Heinz’s perspective. He wasn’t sure how to help him there, especially now. If he submitted some kind of paperwork saying _Hey, my nemesis is also now my best friend, and we will be hanging out when I’m not kicking his butt!,_ it might look kind of suspicious if he tried to get OWCA to stop monitoring Doofenshmirtz so closely.

But the more he thought about it, the more he became sure that OWCA was already aware that he and his nemesis were… highly unconventional. Did he really need to write it down on a piece of paper?

Flipping to a new page in the notepad, he quickly scrawled his thoughts down on a different piece of paper: _I don’t think I have to declare anything to AR. Nothing has really changed._

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” said the evil scientist, sounding a little hurt. “I mean, before, you knew everything about me, and I knew nothing about you. But now… I know everything from your music tastes to your favorite movies. Everything from the way you eat your sandwiches to the fact that you’re a lot cornier than your suave, cool-as-a-cucumber facade would imply.” The platypus stomped on his foot in protest. “Ow,” said Heinz. “It’s a good thing you’re so little, or that would have hurt a lot wor—OW, _don’t just use both feet!_ ”

Perry scowled at him, jamming his paws onto his hips in irritation. How dare he call _Perry_ corny?! Doofenshmirtz was the King of Corn!

“Still more of a fan of non-written communication, I see,” said Doofenshmirtz, only a little resentfully. Perry pointed to him in a _you bet_ kind of way. “Anyway, what I was _trying_ to say before being _unfairly assaulted_ was: I feel like I know you as a person now, not just as a platypus. I could use the information I have on you against you, you know...”

Jolting a little, Perry looked at the man frantically. That was the entire reason he’d avoided getting too close to the man in the first place. Of course… no matter how close they became as friends, Dr. Doofenshmirtz was still an evil scientist, and Agent P was still a crime-fighting secret agent. Anything that was a bonding experience for Perry and Heinz might become something that gave Dr. Doofenshmirtz an advantage over Agent P.

His shoulders slumping a little, he wrote down in the notepad: _I suppose this means we are more even now, since I had quite a wealth of knowledge about all aspects of your life and you have never had the same._

The evil doctor nodded, satisfied. “That’s right, this is only fair. But…” Slowly, as if it might not be allowed, he placed a hand on Perry’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. I may be evil, but I’m not _heartless._ I’m not going to use what I know about you to hurt you in any way I’m not _supposed_ to hurt you.”

Perry smiled at him gratefully, and perhaps a little sappily, in return. _You are a good friend, Heinz Doofenshmirtz,_ he scribbled down.

“Aww, Perry the Sapapus,” he cooed, his smile stretching from ear to ear, “you mean an _evil_ friend. _You_ are the good friend, remember?” Perry nodded. “But still, no one’s ever said that to me. Most of my friends have been inanimate objects or robots… which I guess also fall under the ‘inanimate object’ category, actually. You’re the first person to call me a friend.”

 _I’m a platypus,_ Perry reminded him.

“Whatever, same thing,” said Heinz, and scooped Perry into his arms for a hug.

And Perry, who was feeling a bit sentimental over having been called a person, an _equal_ , tolerated it for a whole 3 seconds before punching him in the chin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you tomorrow for the final chapter!! Thank you so much for reading! <3333


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are the same, and yet changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy WOW is this chapter ever short. Sorry about that. But also, I think it's just as long as it needs to be. :)

Vanessa was sunbathing on the roof of DEI when Perry landed with his jetpack, though how she was sunbathing in her head-to-foot black outfit while it was a bit overcast, Perry wasn’t sure.

“Oh, hey Perry,” she said to him with a nod, flipping a page of her magazine. “Looking for Dad? I think he’s still putting the final touches on his Inator.” Turning her head, she shouted into the open door: “Dad! Your date is here!”

“My _what?!_ ” came Doofenshmirtz’s voice from further within, and then his head was poking out, eyes scanning around rapidly. Perry waved a little sheepishly. “Oh, Perry, it’s you! You’re early!” Well, at least he sounded more happy than disappointed. “Vanessa,” he said then to his daughter, putting his hands on his hips sternly, “this is my _nemesis,_ not my date. We’ve been over this.”

“You spend hours getting ready for his arrival, you schedule outings together, he comes to meet you and take you out… sounds like a date to me,” said Vanessa, crossing one leg over the other as her eyes stayed fixed on her teen magazine.

“He’s—he’s not _taking me out,_ he’s _thwarting_ me. Your wording is very misleading,” Doofenshmirtz protested, his face flushing. He looked at Perry, silently pleading for backup, but the platypus just shrugged, unable to refute anything because he could not, after all, talk.

“Whatever you want to call it,” Vanessa said, rising from her beach chair and tucking the magazine under her arm. “I’ll be inside. I need some peace and quiet, and your little encounters tend to get too loud and messy for comfort.” She nodded to the platypus, giving him a little smile. Perry had no idea whether she was intending to tease them both, or just to embarrass Heinz, so he smiled back sheepishly and tipped his hat to her. “Take care of my Dad, Perry. Don’t go too easy on him,” she said before disappearing into the building.

“Stop phrasing everything like that!” her father yelled, but Vanessa had already closed the door behind her.

For a moment, both man and platypus just stared at the door silently.

“Uh… sorry about her. Teenagers, right?” the evil scientist said eventually, straightening his collar. Perry just blinked in affirmation. “Anyway, I’ll give you the backstory monologue, go over the scheme today, and—well, the trap isn’t going to make any sense until you hear the backstory, unfortunately, so I guess some of the significance will be lost on you, but—” Pulling a switch out of his pocket, he pressed the single red button in the center of it, and suddenly a frozen white mass dropped onto the platypus.

Perry struggled until he could stick his head out of the top of the icy mess, looking down at himself and seeing a platypus-sized snowman, two stacked snowballs of differing sizes. He glared at his nemesis, and then looked around in confusion—where had this snowman trap come from?!

“Yes, I’m surprised you didn’t see the giant snow cloud hovering ominously above the building,” Heinz pointed out, gesturing to the dark gray mass casting a huge shadow over the top of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. Wait a minute, then why had Vanessa been sunbathing? It made even less sense! Perry’s brow furrowed in bafflement, and he looked back at the evil scientist, waiting for the inevitable explanation of this winter-themed trap in the summer. “You see, Perry the Platypus, when I was a boy, I worked at a carnival—I told you that one already, didn’t I? I was the thing they threw at the—yes, I’ve told you that one. Anyway, at the gift shop, there were these fascinating little snow globes, and no matter how I tried… you look cold, Perry the Platypus,” he cut himself off.

Perry’s teeth chattered, and some snow slid off the brim of his fedora, but this did not lessen the impact of the glower he had fixed firmly on the evil doctor.

“Well, don’t worry,” said Doofenshmirtz. “After this whole thwarting thing, I have hot cocoa waiting.” He clasped his hands behind his back, looking a bit shy all of a sudden. “You will stay, won’t you, Perry?”

The platypus sighed and rolled his eyes, but nodded. How could he refuse, if he asked like that?

“Thank you, my friend,” Heinz said sincerely, drawing closer to him. He then popped a stick onto either side of Perry’s trap at arm-level. “There, _now_ you look like a snowman,” he said, nodding with satisfaction. “Anyway, as I was saying, these snow globes…”

As Heinz prattled on, Perry planned his escape, and after that, he would kick his nemesis in the face and destroy whatever harebrained snow globe-themed invention he had come up with. Perry would leave everything about this scheme in shambles, and be met with a cry of _Curse you, Perry the Platypus!_

And then they would go inside for hot cocoa, sitting together serenely as friends.

Their relationship was odd. It was unorthodox. Messy. Nothing seemed to fit the way it ought to.

Chaotic and beautiful, frustrating and flawed and captivating—like paint flung at a canvas or a broken mosaic with missing squares.

But, Perry decided, as he smiled at his nemesis’s back, the picture they made together was his favorite one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this story!! Happy Perryshmirtz Week!! <33333

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and thanks to the Perryshmirtz Discord server for being so encouraging! 
> 
> Be sure to check out my other Perryshmirtz fic, [And Many More.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1652510/chapters/3504689) It's quite cute. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading!! <333


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